New Joke Thread

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Guineapig004
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New Joke Thread

Post by Guineapig004 » Sat Apr 14, 2018 6:22 am

Go ahead and post jokes here. I'll start.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
(Laugh Factory)

A very messed up joke indeed.
Last edited by Guineapig004 on Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Guineapig004 » Sun Apr 15, 2018 4:09 am

Here's another Laugh Factory joke.

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

I wonder what he was thinking when he tried to use his "parachute". :shock:
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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Guineapig004 » Tue Apr 17, 2018 5:12 am

What does it say on the bottom of coke bottles in crazy land?




OPEN OTHER END
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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Grockstar » Wed Apr 18, 2018 4:47 am

Four pirates and a wench are sailing on a ship when the ship crash lands on a deserted island. They realize that there is no way to repair the ship and there is very little chance of rescue, so they're going to have to live on this island. The pirates and the wench come to an agreement: The pirates will take care of shelter, food, firewood, and the like. In return, once each week, each pirate will have a day to fuck the wench as much as they want.

So this goes on for years and years, until one sad day, the wench dies. After the first week the pirates say "this is ok, we can deal with this". At the second week they're saying "well this is bad, but we'll survive". During the third week they said "I don't know how much longer I can stand this". Then, the fourth week. They reached a consensus. They just couldn't do it anymore.

So they buried her.
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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Guineapig004 » Wed Apr 18, 2018 8:22 am

A boy asks his father how parents pick names for their children. The father tell the boy that the night before the baby will be born, the father goes into the woods, and camps there. When he wake up the next morning, he will name the child after the first thing they see. The father then says "That is why your sister is called Soaring Eagle." Why do you ask, Bear Poop?
Last edited by Guineapig004 on Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:38 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Guineapig004 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:35 pm

This isn't a joke, but I thought that this poem has a lot of things to think about. :|

The Cold Within


Six humans trapped by happenstance
In bleak and bitter cold.
Each one possessed a stick of wood
Or so the story’s told.

Their dying fire in need of logs
The first man held his back.
For on the faces around the fire
He noticed one was black.

The next man looking across the way
Saw one not of his church
And couldn’t bring himself to give
The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes.
He gave his coat a hitch.
Why should his log be put to use
To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought
Of the wealth he had in store
And how to keep what he had earned
From the lazy poor.

The black man’s face spoke revenge
As the fire passed from his sight.
For all he saw in his stick of wood
Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group
Did nought except for gain.
Giving only to those who gave
Was how he played the game.

Their logs held tight in death’s still hands
Was proof of human sin.
They didn’t die from the cold without
They died from the cold within.

James Patrick Kinney
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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Alexcat989 » Mon Apr 23, 2018 6:53 am

What do you call a spotted feline from south east asia

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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by ElectricDreams » Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:21 pm

Don't know if this one was told before, but I found it pretty funny. I learnt about it a while ago, so I might get some things wrong. Anyway, here how it goes:

On one stormy rainy day, there was massing flooding. A poor unlucky man was stuck on the roof of his house. A man in a boat arrives to the man on his roof, and offers him help. The man on the roof denies, saying that God will save him. A few hours later, the water is starting to rise, the man in the boat returns again, and offers the man again to come with him to safety, the man on the roof once again, denies the offer saying that God will save him. Another few hours pass, and the man is standing on the top of his chimney. The man in the boat returns for a third time, telling the man that he will die if he doesn't come with him now. The man on the roof once again denies the help, saying God will save him.

Later on, the man wakes up in Heaven, and comes face to face with God. The man asks why God didn't save him after spending so many hours stuck on his roof. God replies with "I sent you three boats! And you denied them all! What more could you want!?"

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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Guineapig004 » Mon Apr 23, 2018 9:34 pm

What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead politician in the road?


There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

My question is, why are there so many politician jokes?
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Re: New Joke Thread

Post by Guineapig004 » Tue Apr 24, 2018 3:22 pm

If a chicken says that all chickens are liars, is it lying?


I will tell you the answer when enough replies have accumulated.
"And fear struck the hearts of the dodos, as they realized they were being watched..."

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